June 6, 2010

Dear Gales Ferry/Juliet W. Long Families:

This is a difficult letter to write because of the sudden passing of our assistant principal Mr. Jaret Kulmann over the weekend. Mr. Kulmann was an inspiration to all of us and had an enormously positive impact on our school community. Mr. Kulmann was married and had three preschool children. This is a tragedy for his family and also for his school family. We are all feeling this loss in our own ways.

We would like to share with you what we will be doing in school to support students as they experience the normal sense of loss and grief that follows the sudden death of a member of our school community.

On Sunday our district crisis team met to develop a support plan in preparation for students entering school on Monday. Administrators will also meet with faculty to discuss this plan early Monday morning. At the start of school, each teacher will talk with the students in their class. Counselors will be available all day to meet with any student who expresses an interest or who has a concern. Counselors will also be available for parents throughout the day and until 7:00 p.m. Monday evening at the school to answer questions and provide support to families. Additionally, we will be monitoring all students. Parents will be called if any unusual reactions are observed in school.

We wanted you to know that this information will be shared today in a most sensitive and respectful manner. We have included some information with this message to help you as you talk to your children about this very sad news. Your comfort and reassurance will be very important to your children. Additional materials will be available at the school office.

Our school crisis team will continue to assist us in meeting the needs of our school community. We are also collaborating with Ledyard Youth Services for additional support. All of us, in our own way, try to make sense of death. Children want to understand, but are often unsure and awkward in expressing their concern. If you have any questions, would like additional references, or wish to speak to a guidance counselor, school psychologist, or an administrator, please contact us.

Sincerely,
Mary Porter-Price

Understanding Death and Grief from "Parenting Perspectives" website

HELPING THE GRIEVING CHILD

Understand your own feelings and comfort levels in dealing with death.

Understand the child’s developmental capacity to deal with death.

Create an open climate that encourages talking about feelings.

Do express sympathy and support.

Do feel free to say you don’t know why the death occurred.

Do encourage non-verbal expressions of grief – art, writing, music, etc.

Do be honest about the facts of the death.

Do find ways to include the child in mourning rituals.

Do present death in real terms, e/g., allow child to take in as much as he/she can based on developmental level.

Do accept all the child’s questions and answer them to the best of your ability.

Do allow the child to cry and be angry and to express grief in an appropriate way.

Do pay attention to behavior, especially negative behavior. The child may not be able to express feelings in words. Do set appropriate limits on behavior.

Don’t let your discomfort prevent you from offering support.

Don’t try to make the child “face the facts” if he/she seems unable.

Don’t shut off the expression of feelings because of your own discomfort.

Avoid phrases such as, “It’s God’s will.” “You’ll get over it.”

Don’t try to make up some reason for the death.

Don’t judge any grief expressions as “good” or “bad.”

Don’t lie to the child or avoid answering questions.

Don’t tell the child he/she can’t go because he/she “can’t handle it.”

Avoid euphemisms about death; e.g., sleeping, gone away, a blessing, Jesus took.

Don’t tell a child his/her questions are bad or stupid.

Don’t say things such as, “Boys don’t cry.” “Only babies cry.” “Don’t be sad.”

Set appropriate limits and consequences, explain to child behavior may be way of expressing feelings, and encourage expression of feelings.